Creative Spanko Wench Blog

I’m just back from another rapid turn around overnight trip and have a heavy assignment more than 50 miles away tomorrow. Tonight I’ve decided to wind down by down loading comedy albums from iTunes … Billy Connolly, Bob Newhart, Bill Cosby, Ron White, Bill Engvall, Jeanne Robertson and Ron White. They should keep me laughing for a while. I’ve got America’s funniest videos and Americaa’s funniest animal videos set to TIVO along with Reba and Two and a Half Men. My crime shows (except for two on cable … The Closer & Criminal Intent are in reruns, so going with comedy only for a while seems like a great plan.

Frankly I’m disgusted with the news media. Where was the notice that Ed McMahon passed away last week, and Farrah Fawcett’s passing is now barely an after thought in the midst of this Michael Jackson frenzy? How many ordinary anonymous families experienced the loss of a family member last week? [I guess I have a special sensitivity to this since someone very close to me passed quietly on the same day as John Kennedy Jr. It was cruel really that there was no relief from our loss because at every turn a pseudo celebrity’s passing took over every venue of relief for weeks] Mr. Jackson was a ruined, very troubled human being, the current speculative frenzy around his death is just wrong. The blessing is that he’s not here to suffer the piranha like feeding frenzy around his last moments. Ass holes like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton (two men who offer nothing at all to society, who have leached the racism card for nothing but personal gain and wealth) once again crawl (creepily and exploitively) out of the woodwork. GAG! Just leave the family alone! Let them grieve. It’s Cory Feldman’s business that he cut his friend off in his own drug addled wallow right when his friend needed him most, and then never took the time or seized any chance to reconnect - exactly why is this newsworthy? Go away you slimy press hungry freak! Millions of us have been there. Human’s make choices everyday, even though tomorrow is fleeting. Regrets just are. Wish they weren’t, but that would be a pipe dream.

Frankly, nothing but the news that he died, and his family is grieving is all any of the rest of the world desrves to know right now.

We get dealt good cards and bad cards. You can win with a bad hand and you can loose with the best hand. It’s all in how we play them. Some of us play well, some of us don’t. You’d be surprised how many wonderful families nurtured/raised progeny who never manage to master fundamental/ordinary life’s skills in-spite of the fact that this progeny has been blessed with exceptional - sometime extraordinary talents.

Some of us are never going to learn not to smother every flame of hope out of fear, some of us will eventually learn to embrace the fire. Some of us will make choices that make it possible to find happiness and peace, and some of us will make choices that invite painful outcomes. Not one of us made a wrong choice either, we acted from need, and some of us pain. If any of us could see the future, all of us would question even our very best instincts.

It’s regret that I feel I personally feel the need to work out. I regret many things and I feel blessed having been given many things. My current biggest regret is hurting one of my best friends, even if it had to be done for both of our peace of mind.

Ed McMahon, by all reports was a good egg, a friend to many and a dedicated advocate for abandoned and homeless animals. Farrah Fawcett bravely disclosed her sexual history in the hopes that others could learn about anal cancer and the risk factors for it. Michael Jackson hid from the world, and owned no believable truths about himself - he sought to be Peter Pan and failed. He could sing and he could dance, but as a man he offered nothing else but unresolved questions…. But they (Ed & Farrah) genuinely gave what Mr. M. Jackson never did - he got famous doing self aggrandizing things.

I should be more empathetic I suppose considering that in my small world I’m just as guilty. I hid, I embellished, I found my reality unworthy and I re-wrote it to conform so I could belong ….

People subjected to the piranha feedings don’t often heal. Piranha devour and destroy. Perhaps they shit out molecules that might congeal and offer a some lucky soul a second chance. Mostly they ruin lives and obliterate history. Mr. Jackson’s family don’t deserve this. Please leave them alone.

Just my thoughts.

P

I noticed last week that my Flickr badge kept displaying “no such pictures.”  Yesterday I decided to check out why that was so persisent.  It seems that my Flickr account was deleted with no notice or explanation.  I had it protected as adult content, but apparently someone didn’t find that sufficient and nuked it.  They’d better have nuked the other Flickr galleries that had pirated my artwork too lemme tell you.   grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Take a flying fucking leap Micheal Erik Dean PHD.  Your rabid idiocy gives brand new credibility to the ancillary meaning for PHD… ‘Piled higher and deeper’ and yes that would be the extension of - BS = bull shit, and MS = mega shit degrees.’ You’ve buffed and oiled soooo much more shit onto gaining a doctorate with this stance!?!  How could you?   Yours is clearly a doctorate in stupidity.  You demean every professional daring to use your credentials!  For you to dare suggest that your perceptions of how Michael Vick is being treated are academically based is disturbing!  What a load of dung!  When a black man, heck when any person (man or woman, white, black or green) especially someone who is banking and reaping huge social rewards as a beloved sports role model, tortures animals and is caught torturing animals, there’s no possible legitimacy in any claim of racism whatsoever.  That’s like the long misunderstood, just trying to make a living, defense that white folks use when they put up the “poor white trash” defense for running puppy mills.  

People of every race love animals.  Suggesting blacks don’t or some how love them differently so that cruelty is easier for blacks to indulge in/accept is ludicrous.   Despising and criminalizing those who torture dogs is simply not and NEVER has been an issue of race.  It’s an issue of human decency and compassion.   PERIOD!

Cock & dog fighting, puppy mills… frankly I do see a disparity in who gets presecuted, but I suggest that is less a factor of law enforcement’s motives than it is the demographics of the target criminals.  Here in TX at least, I can tell you that uneducated (poo white trash) Whites milk the lucrative puppy mill end;  Hispanics milk the cock fighting realm, and blacks own the pitt bull fighting dog realm.  Each cluster is equally marginal.

Who buys?  Who consumes?  I wish I could grap.  Virtually none are prosecuted.., so consumer stats don’t really exist.

There are thousands of cultural, ethnic and racial factors that impact economic and human choices.  Michael Vick as a privileged person, cannot claim any legitimate economic, cultural or ethnic motive though …  If he’s stupid enough to claim race as his motive he insults and indicts billions of people as intrinsically/genetically detached from life.  You know this. 

Wake up and smell the coffee.  Produce real numbers to support your isinuations please… ok so, we both know you can’t.  To suggest there is some racial, cultural, ethnic or even economic strata that explains, and so, “legitimizes” cruelty to batter, electrocute or torture any living animal is NOT a racial, ethnic or cultural issue, it is a human issue.

Michael Vick was NOT singled out because he’s black!  He was singled out because as a public, extremely entitled, beyond well paid human being, he carried on horrible & despicable activities for no possible reasons beyond greed or inherent cruelty.

Are black people alone being accused or found guilty of this?  Of course not!  More whites than any others are caught, convicted & driven undergound for puppy mill running … more blacks for pittbull fighting rings … more whites & hispanics (depending on state - Whites far exceding Hispanics)  for cock fighting rings.  The animal cruelty arena especially is one of the least racial demographically!

This whole crock of dung makes me ill!.  Who on earth could defend, never mind dare use such stupid, blatantly ridiculous, little more than self serving grasps at distracting, ridiculous, academic blither to chatter away what it really means that a man making millions of dollars based on love and respect for his ability, secretly maintained what we can only pray was a superficial connection to a crew that brutalized dogs.   I’m just not going there, that this poor misunderstood extremely graced black man represents anyone but himself - a criminal who’d be guilty whether he was an entitled athlete or not.

growl!

I’m going to take a few more days away from the internet.  Last Thursday was a really exhausting day at work, and I lived it on no sleep.  The coming week has three huge projects I have tackle.   I’ve picked up a nasty summer cold.  I can’t seem to get enough sleep these last few days to even half way feel human.  I think it’s prudent that I not inflict my wenchitis on anyone until I get through the next week.  I know I always shine under pressure, it’s just another hump of long hours and an uncooperative body affecting my mind….   All I need is a few spankings and some face time with John… a little more than a month to go….  If I can I’ll try and draw just for sanity’s sake, but it’s possible I’ll just come home late, sleep, get up early, work and repeat for a while.  This weekend all I’ve been able to do is sleep, take vitamens and zinc, worry about what I have to get done in a short period of time, and get pissed off with yahoo because it won’t let me log in.

Other than being crabby as heck, I’m just fine.  I’m in the mood to argue and rile, which is not the part of me that I want to own my fingers these days.  Other people have more important stressors going on in their lives. 

I went out just to drop some things in the mail this afternoon.  It’s Sunday.  Where the heck did all the traffic come from?  And I ask you, seriously, why is it that every puttering driver on the road today was a man wearing a hat?  It’s a thing I noticed long ago … men wearing hats while driving are a menace on the road … but what was with today?  Every car in front of and behind me was being driven by a man wearing a hat.  Some were trucks, big honkin trucks, riding my rear within inches …. hey … on the highway if I was already at or creeping over the speed limit and they still had to push me,  I’d pull to the shoulder and let them have the road, but in town where it’s stop and go, what’s with the tail riding & why is it that the sun baked wrinkly twerps in stetsons are most likely the ones doing it.  “Hey you compensating macho farts!  I don’t care that yer little hombre ain’t up to the ride no more, but hey, even driving that big effing penis symbol, riding my ass won’t change that.  GET the eff off my back!”  

Yeah well, like I said, I’m cranky.

Y’all be well see you in a few days…. ok…

love

I’m so sorry!  I wish I could just let it all go unaknowledged and ignored, but based on e-mails, hurt and sincere questions and yeah a few meanspirited posts on other blogs, I’m trapped.   So, here is hopefully the LAST reference to old crap ever to have to be posted here.

I happened upon a new spanking community uproar and episode of vehement indignation on Friday.  I have to say I’ve found myself feeling deeply sad again.  We’ve gone after a child who has really done nothing to us but make snotty comments made and taken completely out of context.  At first I was incensed that ‘Bear of Little Brain’ (his nic says it all- little brain bein the operative self description) dragged me into it after all I have done to pay for my sins online.  Actually I’m not going to get past that soon.  He (wintermute) has made some scathing and cruel assumptions out of ONLY my initial admission post on my old blog and been particularly voiciferous about them as though his assumptions were absolute fact for some time now.

I gave all of you my life.  After 2 years, I admitted to you it was a life I’d lost to the death of my partner.  I told you I’d used our diaries, our letters and his journal to make us living and real.  And I lied.  Fred died a decade ago.  Everything I’ve shared was true.  I took it out of time and altered time related details. I shared us as we were and tried to give people like me something to reach out to that I nver had.  I did NOT lie to or demean this community with deceit,  I just didn’t!

Did he travel away from home to help with disaster relief?   Of course he did, and I went with him evey time I could.  I went alone to Houston after Katrina, I took in a family of three for four weeks and was so snottily glad to see them gone from my home I hated myself….  so I made Fred the hero he wold have been….

Now I’m being lumped in with a child who created a website around being “The princess of spanking.”  Apparently (though I cannot download the iPod cast to hear for myself) this young lady who had been selling her spanking video sites on every on line venue (blog & pay site)  & been on Howard Stern’s late night show & radio at least twice said in this podcast that she wasn’t really a spanko and found aspects of spanking ‘foul’.  LMAO!   So?  What’s new? 

Whats different about this child and THOUSANDS of others of us? She relaxed (may have been high) and spoke her mind , and somebody seized on an opportunity and jumped on an already cruelly inappropriate bandwagon.

I’m not Katie.  I’m just me.  I’ve never tried to make money on any venu but my cafepress site using from anyone, NEVER!  That site is very restrictive about what’s saleable.

Mostly I’m very hurt by Wintermute’s (bear of little brain’) ongoing vindictive agenda agaist me even though I’ve written him, and even given him my phone # and personal contact info trying to give him what he needed to belive in me and everything he loved about me —- nothing of wihch has changed……. Sigh

I moved personal adds to it’s own page, see top right nav bar.  As soon as I can I’ll get comments and member posting set up there if it’s possible.  If not I have other options using the main pattydraws hosting.

I will admit to having one sincere nibble, actually the same nibble I was hoping I read properly in comments from weeks ago but was unsure was what it seemed.  Naturally there are barriers there, #1 being distance, but hey in this world of cyber friendships, what’s new.  Everything else about that will go and stay underground for now unless we agree things should be shared.

In the meantime, life goes on as usual.  I’ll my usual rants, & posts… though I warn you seriously what I said in my comment to the last post.  *g* I’m serious!  I spent 6 -8 hours working on the last drawing I posted and only one single person even commented.  It did it for a friend, he never asked for it, it was just something I wanted to do, but even before he saw it, you guys did. Was it that bad?  What’s up?  I make no money form the reference, the drawing or the link.  Actually *wipes* dried tear from eye* it did hurt a lot that no one but jeff had anything to say about it.  It kind of still does.

I have two new drawings almost ready  BUT— one done the other almost, and I’ve started a new comic strip… NONE  WILL Post TILL I GET mw 10 commwnts to this pos.. PERRIOD (I knowI’m not on minw)

“Will spank for blow job …. will wank for pancakes …. will paddle for pez … will strap for sex…. 10 comments to my last drawing… that’s all I ask.

Yep…. I’m feeling like a brat….  so P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OH yeah, I took my last Levaquin pack, and my cough syrup is back on the shelf.  I put in 6 hours  at work today & while I needed 3 and took 6 hours to nap as soon as I hit my sofa.  I had a meeting with the CEO & CNO and laid some very contentious cards on the table.  I think I came out a head.  Time will tell.  They just have no clue what I do or what is a reasonable expectation for what’s possible or reasonable.  We just absorb all these corporate mandates and no one looks at the work involves, it filters out to the “can do” people, and we, typically, needing to please and always excited by new possibilities, never say no… and then we’re burried running from project to project looking good on the front end because that’s where it counts and we stop time (usually till 11 PM the day before a due date), but loosing ground in the background steadily as time passes until a glaring hole opens up exposing all, or until we (I) end up sick putting in impossible hours trying to finish what had to get done.  9 or 10 times it’s the latter.  Hence, I’ve been sick for 4 solid weeks.  It began when the Airconditioner went down the Friday befor a majot 990 page document was due.  I’m the only one who worked that building that whole weekend.  Then for the next week I was having fevers, deep uncontrollable piss expelling cough attacks.  The next week was meeting hell week.   I made the ones I had to, and then requested the rest off.  Then saw my Doc & was ordered off for the full week last week.

So, can I rant now?

LOL.. I forget what it was now.   Trust me it’ll come to me.

p.s.  on a non-rant note.  The primsoses are in bloom, which means all the west TX flowers are withing two weeks of being at their glory.  Would that I could take off from San Antonio and drive to Big Bend just to stop at every pull out to take pictures.  Isn’t spring wonderful?

I’m overwhelmed at work … very seriously overwhelmed.  Three nights in a row getting away after 9P and a very huge project due tomorrow, that is soooo far from complete I’m stressed to the point of contemplating Xanax and Ambien tonight.  It will get done, I know it will, but the demoralizing stress of having had to beat people who made me promises two months ago and only yesterday came to confess to my face to say they hadn’t started.  I should have been on them, I should have known, I should have discovered long ago that they weren’t doing what they wrote in their action plans that they planned to do.  I didn’t.  They’re just now discovering they’re deficient and tomorrow is the deadline to show progress.  Has prgress benn made?  Thank goodness for the dedication and conscientiousness of the front line folks.  Yes.  It has… at least in most areas, and all it took was a simple remider.

The wonderous thing my job helps me see, is just how dedicated and conscientious the front line staff in my world are.   These folks deal with so much hate, so much second guessing and so much direct immediate abuse.  None of you could cope with it.  Not one of you.   They deal with so much venom, so many complaints, so little appreciation, yet even in the midst of being berated as dickheads because with near lethal ethanol levels they can’t medicate for chest pain beyond nitroglycerin they take a beligerant drunk to the cath lab and rescued him from permanent cardiac damage. 

They work short almost all the time.  They really do care and empathize with their patients, some empathize too much, and when faced with trying to do the impossible they end up crushed. I’m feeling crushed.  The culture that used to strengthen nurses is killing them now.  Patients and doctors are to blame.  Both groups need to look at who they are blaming and crushing  BOTH.  Slicing costs, crushing judgment…  Some one has to have time to give a bath OK.  There are just so many minutes and second in a day…   The best part of my day was when I could shave a man, bathe with a good vigorous scrub and back rub any patient not to metion make sure they got leg and arm stretches after surgery, my favorite thing was a good mouth scrub with a toothette full of gingerale, ice and mouth wash.  I know my peers would like to be able to do this now too and I’d give anything if they were allowed to.  We’ve forced them to nurse the keyboard, forced them to stay there and now expect them to do the impossible. 

 What doesn’t get documented didn’t get done.  This is so far from the truth!

Do you have any idea how often the ER & nursing staff who strive to give you care are faced with helpless choices and how often they go home living with fear of what they couldn’t do for you? There aren’t enough nurses.  Those who remain with you out there suffer extreme abuse on all sides.  Your doctors berate them, you berate them.  If you don’t wake up, you’re going to loose them. SERIOUSLY!!!!!!  They/we have healthier choices.  

**************** 

Another topic just as intense…

I had healthier choices I could have made sharing my life with Fred too, and frankly, I made the choices I did for very human, insecure and real reasons. I’m so tired of the second guessing, so lonely trying to explain why and how desperate and alone I felt when I first ventured out and then trapped myself in lies upon lies.  I gave, and ALL of you know that I gave everyone 1,000 times more than I took.   What I’ve written and drawn and given you for free since 2001 is real, and exceeds what99.9% of other artists & writers would give for free.  I needed you.  I made you think, I made all of you laugh, I opened your eyes to insights you resisted; I engaged and really shared deep insights with everyone who asked.  I lied about time, I gave everything else from deep deep secrets, insecurity and pain.  I hurt myself more than I ever hurt another living soul.  No more blaming me for crap that I was a s much a pawn in creating as any victim was. 

Being a pawn is not something I’m proud to admit to.  Yep I set myself up to be a good pawn, but I’m no longer ashamed to admit that my weakness and neediness made me perfect for several people to use.  I was used by moderators on several forums, I was used by someone I considered my very best friend and I let myself be a voice to thoughts I personally didn’t have… so people who would lke me… Doing that, I ended up being guilty of being the one who was so hurtful of so many.  

I’ve owned all of my lies, all of my weaknesses, I’ve taken the fall for a lot of shit that I really was not responsible for, though I certainly stuck my idiot foot and surrogate big mouth in.  Not everything I’m blamed for had anything to do with me, my heart or my intent OK.  I justified too many things based on needing friends… and everyone of those “friends’ who held me hostage for those kind of mouthy favors is now gone.  Everyone has written me off.  They loved me once, thought the world of my heart and now, no matter what I gave them, insights. laughter worthy stuff to read, I’m no longer worthy….  Talk about lonely!  LOLOL.  I’m mostly over it actually.  But I am still hurt by the handful of those I really care about who lurk here regularly and leave me hanging wondering why.

I owe this to Alan.  He was there in the background for and with me.  He wanted me to be me.