Creative Spanko Wench Blog

First the frivolous stuff:

My laser color, printer, scanner, copier will print and copy, but neither of my computers will recognize its scanner … same with my old ink jet photosmart 3 in one…. So I’ve given up. After uninstalling and reinstalling them several times with no luck, I’ve uninstalled both from at least my mac book and ordered a new printer (I just love easy pay on HSN - 3 easy payments that just mean no Friday nights out for a few weeks - and immediate delivery, not to mention that the list price is 45 bucks cheaper than the same all in one I scoped out at best buy… First I’ll take my laptop to geek squad and make sure there’s nothing hinky in my photoshop software blocking scanner recognition.

Then I can catch y’all up on my new drawings.

I need a spankin but good tonight. I actually just need some human contact.

Now the life stuff:

Been crying over some sudden and sad family stuff, and fighting lack of ambition that comes with exhaustion. I flew home all of a sudden last Friday using standby tickets all the way. I wasn’t just stressed by why I was going home, I was distressed by the way my boss seemed more concerned by whether or not I could get back to get my assignments done for the next week. And when I called my good chatty friend I woke him up, instead of telling him the whole thing, I just said “I’m quitting this job.” He was exhausted, not feeling well and not in the mood to listen to me rant about work, so he declined to have the conversation at that moment. So then feeling lost and flailing in unexpected phone space I lashed out and said “OK then don’t ever call me again if we can only talk when you’re free and on your terms.”

Then even because of work, my boss’s narrow view, having no sick time and not being eligible to use my accrued vacation, when things started gelling in my heart and becoming clear this was not an option. I went home. I called my friend and left him a cryptic apology.

I had amost two days to see him (no names, no relationships) wake up, get off the breathing machine and talk with him about silly stuff and serious stuff. He asked me to help him make family and friends clear that he did not want to be kept alive on machines. I begged him not to make me do that, but it ended up that I did that, and we all witnessed his signature on that order. He had a lot of pain and was in and out, but I still had time with him for a few really loving moments filled with memories, wishes and dreams. The docs gave us a guarded thumbs up and transferred him out of ICU Sunday morning. He told me to go home, he insisted he was fine and told me in tears that he was really glad I came.

Someday soon, I’ll share just how close this person was to me, the antics we got up to in our years growing up together and the reasons he’s one of the most important people in my life. Just not now, ok, I want you to laugh with us, not cry…. and crying’s all I’m able to manage right now.

Work was stressing me out. I did have a lot to do. So, I gave in and kissed him goodbye, warned him he’d better listen to the nurses and stick to his physical therapy or I’d be back ready to shoot his ass. Then I caught an easy standby afternoon flight on the 1st 2 legs back home. By 4 PM, ready and tense about my second of 4 legs, virtually every darned airport in the US north east was shut down or backed up with planes trying to land in bad weather. We managed to land in a major hub, but once on the ground there was no where open to fly out to, and then that hub closed to all traffic too, so I spent the next 18 hours waiting, trying to sleep on the floor with my computer bag as a pillow; and then as morning daylight (dismal lightning filled daylight) and several more hours of “FDA has closed us due to weather, please be patient ” dawned I tried hopelessly to keep napping, and then when the sun came out … waited ‘hope fully’ if ‘helplessly’ for space on 4 different flights.

Needless to say, with all the delayed and cancelled flights due to weather, standby flyers get last dibs after redirected fliers. I did get to Houston, but too late to get on a flight home. I called my boss and told him I would be late, but hopefully should make it to work by noon. I did get a hotel bed in Houston, but was so wired worrying about needing to get to the airport by 6 AM to catch the one flight the attendant said might have space, I got almost no sleep. I needn’t have worried. They gave 4 fliers free travel vouchers for giving up their seats to standby folks or others displaced by cancelations. Didn’t help me. I was #6.

Unless I wanted to change carriers, pay full fare (way, way beyond my budget) and fly into an airport 30 miles from my car and 45 miles from home, I had to wait for a standby space. Finally, by 5PM I got the news that I had a seat on a flight that would get me home after 7:30 PM. I got home, called my boss and said I would try and get to work Tuesday, but I’d been without real sleep since Friday. He just aid, so you’ll be there tomorrow? I restated that I’d try.

My mind spun out of control all night and I got no sleep. I called my boss again, I just couldn’t make it. I made the call at 4 AM left my home # and left it at that. Wednesday was worse. Another sleepless night and then Thursday morning my blood sugar was 48, I woke up dizzy, nauseated and starving. I ate two large peanut butter gobs and some cheese, and called my boss. I wasn’t going in again. I called in and spoke to all required humans. They didn’t really care, just was I going to make it to the Friday staff meeting. I promised to try.

Then:

Last night I got the call that he passed in his sleep Thursday afternoon while I was deeply asleep. It was a very good thing I went home when I did. I got to see him alive and spend some quality time with him. I can’t afford to go home for the funeral ($800 -$1200 standby ($2400 if I pay full fare and buy actual seats). It’s almost half my monthly income and I just can’t do it. People will think I’m shallow that I’m unable to loose two whole weeks of a 4 week paycheck. plus another 7 or more days because I decided only to visit him in what I couldn’t really know were his last days and then cheeped out going to the funeral of the best buddy I’ve ever had. Trust me my mind is still trying to find a sane way to do it. Make ends meet so I can go back…..

Here’s my peace: He knows I came on time to spend time with him before he died. I got to surprise him, kiss him, and laugh, and cry with him; and I got to just be there while he slept. I know he’d laugh at me for buying a new scanner tonight. He’s one of the only vanilla people who knew everything about my life and he was all for living and being pragmatic about who we are and what our world is with a smile. If only I could be him …. I can only be some one he loved and influenced …. greatly influenced… he talked me into using diaries and letters and giving everyone pattyandFred … He never let me forget what an ass I was hiding from the hate when things got so hard….. maybe I owe him… and Fred. I think I’m ready too.

I know he could have coped with the long course of painful physical therapy he faced, but I think God gave us those hours when he woke up lucid after the doctors told us his brain injury would make that unlikely. We don’t know what took him. It was sudden after what every one who visited and the hospital staff said was a “good” day. I’m guessing that all the pins and skrews securing his pelvis and both of his thigh bones combined with the trauma to his head that hamstrung his medical team’s choices for preventing clots explains it.

He was T-boned by a SUV that ran a stop sign. No drugs, no alcohol, just plain old end of a work day pre-occupation.

I did make it to work today and found strength in the support of friends even though they never knew him. Life’s changed again.

sigh…

This entry was posted on Friday, April 24th, 2009 at 8:29 pm and is filed under Spanking. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.